Make Things Right Again (KR Build: Banjou/Kyuranger: Hammie)

The idea was to let everything around her sink into her mind at the moment. To relish the place that once held some sort of importance for her. But in Hammie’s case, doing exactly that would only open the wound that had made it the reason for her to leave town.

And yet, here she was, looking around the station as soon as she got out of the train. She might not be aware of it, but a part of her was hoping for something... familiar. Perhaps see a familiar face? Feel a familiar feeling? Recall a familiar memory?

"It was our choice from a long time ago that finally led us here. We might not have known it before, but now I do. We met in the most unusual of circumstances, dealing with inner battles that made us decide to head somewhere. We could have met before and we just didn't realize it. Maybe here in reality or in our ever floating dreams. It might not have been the most amazing kind of first meeting. But here's to me wishing that it won't be our last..."

i don't have any reasons to hate weddings, right?

Okay. Let me clarify this for a little bit.

For a long while now, I've never really liked the idea of weddings -- at least for myself. I'm 32 years old, turning 33 this August. And to be honest, to our society (or at least what the society thinks), I've already passed the average age to get married. To their standards, maybe I did. But to my own, I don't have it in me or even the most plausible reason to get married.

Why?

My life isn't still how I wanted it to be. Maybe my introverted and shy personality could also be the factor for me being a certified NBSB, as well. Add the fact that my surroundings (or at least, the events around me that had happened over the years) changed my perception about love and relationship (even weddings) drastically. And can I also attribute it to the fact that it was my choice not to be involve in any commitment or relationship? Yes, maybe I'm the one to blame. And yes, I don't mind taking that blame for that choice.

I only realized this after my second sister got married last April 20. I can't really pinpoint the feeling at first during my first sister's wedding last November 25, 2022. All I could recall was the apathetic attitude I have about it and also the fact that I don't want to attend that wedding. I wouldn't be able to, but they still managed to convince me to do so. Weird, right? Why wouldn't I attend my sister's wedding at the time?

It was only in this recent wedding that made me fully acknowledge the answer. My perception about love, relationship, and especially weddings was destroyed because of a certain event back in 2015. I can't recall the exact date, but I know that it happened a year after I graduated college. Then adding to that was the series of rejections I got before that, back in high school. I want to remain positive even at the time, to be honest. But how can I stay positive if my surroundings have given me reasons not to like things like this anymore or even believe in any of these things that's supposed to make someone happy?

But like I said, I don't have any reason to continue hating love and weddings. At least, I'm sure of it now...

"Even if it was just in my mind, one that would continuously wish you would finally notice, I love the idea of those thoughts about my feelings reaching you in a way. No matter the distance, no matter the circumstances, I want them to reach you. It might take a while for you to realize them. But let me believe that they will. One day, they might fulfill that eternal dream and let it become a beautiful reality that I can live about without regrets..."

i still feel worthless... even as a 32-year-old...

I know I shouldn't be talking negatively like this about myself. But you know I can't help it, especially when a certain occasion had made me feel like this. There was no one to blame but myself and my choices, of course. In a way, I know I have to admit that to myself.

This is (currently) who I am... and I'm in the middle of working on getting out of this mentality. Even when society's dictation proved that I'm such a person by their standards.

I made my choice back then. And I'm able to stand my ground on that choice since then. It's hard, without a doubt. But I still try what I can to live everyday without regretting the choice I made. I decided to become a hardheaded daughter and choose what I want to do. It's not enough to make me live the life I want. And I'm fully aware of that.

Yet, when I made that choice, I felt... like myself in a way. It's strange, but I know that this is what I want to do. What I want to walk on to, even when I could see that the road will already be a rough one. I maybe crazy for thinking this. And maybe this is why I feel worthless since nothing much had happened since I chose this path.

But I know it'll be okay soon. Not because I believe in it, but because I'm claiming it -- one way or another...

"Your smile will always be one of the most special treasures I've come to encounter in my lifetime. And I know it will always be the light that would beckon my heart to where it's supposed to go. One way or another, that special smile that belongs to you will always be a great gift powerful enough to let me continue dreaming and striving hard to reach it. Even if they lie beyond the stars..."

when nature is the only thing that calms you down in a nerve-wrecking world filled with both fun and anxiety

People can still do that, right? But even so, nature has this incredible talent of making you realize a lot of things even when you can't talk to them. They can't talk to you, and yet they love to confuse you in more ways than one. I'm 32, and feeling most of the time that life might have already given up on me. And because of that, all I could do was to overthink of where my life could be heading at this rate.

But because of that, I ended up loving to watch the nature, you know. The sky... The sun... Feel the wind... Watch the trees... Even in the city where I live in which nature is something that would sometimes disappear before you know it just to make way for development. They help me realize a lot of things that bothered me. They help me downside my overthinking since I do that a lot. When people can be so annoying and irritating (that happens a lot, as well), nature -- even in the city where I live -- had helped me a lot in more ways than one. In more than one occasion.

I still love to have someone that I can talk to, that I can relate to, that I can do my best with to become the person I aim to be. But for now, nature is the one doing that to me. It doesn't help all the time. At least, I have to admit that. And yet, it's nice to know that I have something I can rely to, even for a while, just so I can make sure that my mind wouldn't feel overwhelmed by all the craziness of my own world...

"I am scared... of you leaving me. Of you forgetting me. Of everything between us become a distant memory. Perhaps I did make a mistake when I chose something else other than myself before you. Perhaps heavens had started to punish me slowly for feeling this because of ignoring you. Of neglecting you. Of not noticing what you truly feel for me all this time. Of not seeing how much you truly care for me, regardless of all that we've been through... And at this point, maybe an apology will never be enough to ease the pain between us..."

"I can't seem to get you off my mind, even when you're so far away from me. Even when you don't know I exist at the moment, I'm here. My mind refused to ever erase you there. I just have to do more of that, hoping that in time, my absurd dream that includes you in it will finally materialize in my reality..."

when i realized that i've never become who i wanted to be... at least, not yet

At the age of 32, to some, this is a huge drawback on someone's self-esteem. Believe it or not, it made me even more insecure about myself than I've ever been. I've long held insecurity towards my sisters who had achieved at least some of the things that I never did. I achieved something what I wanted at the cost of... probably the life that I should be living if I had strived more. Worked harder. Hustle so much. Just like those people I've known before. But I also gave up midway because the pressure overwhelmed me. I cried that this is the path I took and nothing came out of it.

It was frustrating to the point of wanting to pull my hair hard. It was frustrating to the point that I've cursed (almost) my life because of my incompetence. It was frustrating for me to live my life in a routine that I badly wanted to escape from, but couldn't. All I could think of were reasons and more reason why I couldn't. Why I shouldn't do this or that.

But I still want to believe -- to claim -- that it wasn't over for me just yet. That my life is just about to start. I don't know how it will start. Maybe it already started before I realized it. Who knows. All I know is that I wanted to start believing in something that would benefit my mind in some way. It could be small. But all that matters is for me to believe that something is starting to move behind the scenes.

"It's crazy that we could think of even doing the impossible when it comes to someone we love. But I guess that's one thing that love can do to us once we began to feel it. Impossible feats seem to be just a veil waiting to be lifted or unfurled or torn..."

"You've become the most amazing gift that life has ever given to me. Even when I thought I don't deserve to have someone like you exists in my life, the heavens seem to think otherwise. And so, in each day that comes in our way starting from the time we met, I would never forget to express my gratitude to you and to the one who brought you to me..."

"I don't know how many of these chances do I still have. And yet I know it doesn't come easy as I want to. So I want to grab it once it's within my reach. If I could make things right again that way, then I'll do my best to never let it go..."

To Be With You

There were still a lot of things to do. Iyon ang nasa utak ni Lynne ng mga sandaling iyon habang nakatingin sa makulimlim na kalangitan. Pero sigurado siya sa isang bagay. Walang kinalaman sa mundong kinalalagyan niya ang kanyang isipan.

Then again, it wasn’t like she had anyone else to blame for that. It was her choice to think of that place. She made a choice to think of him, of all people. It was a crazy choice for others. Pero sa sarili niya, alam niyang tama lang ang ginawa niya.

Hindi niya gustong kalimutan ito. She wanted to remember him a lot. Miss him a lot. And perhaps… love him even more than she had ever loved anyone in her life. She made that choice, kahit na hindi siya sigurado sa totoong kahihinatnan n’on.

Just So I Could Post Something

Yes... And I'm doing it after a long while of not doing so. It's 11:28 PM already and I haven't even written in my journal. But I think I can do that tomorrow -- if I would just recall the things I did today. My head's not functioning well right now. Or should I say, my brain.

Okay, that was a mistake on my choice of words. Sorry. 😅

Anyway, I still don't know what else to do with this blog, if I'm going to be honest. I still love writing and I also love writing my thoughts, especially those that I could never blurt out to anyone. Well, maybe not every thoughts since there are some that I would consider very private. So I still choose the topics that I'd like to talk about here.

Since I don't even post a lot in any of my SNS accounts that much, maybe I could pay attention to this. That's not even hard, right?

WRONG!

Now that it came to this, I was thinking for a while of going back to writing my book comments and series/movie reviews/thoughts. I could do a lot of them -- especially the series ones since I was able to watch an entire series lately. It's been A LONG WHILE since I last did that. I think the last one I did -- at least, writing a series review as a whole -- was when I wrote a review on "A Tale Of Thousand Stars". And the last review I did for a series in which I would write comments per episode would be about "Kishiryu Sentai Ryusoulger". And to think I've only written reviews for, maybe... 2-3 episodes? I still have to check since I'm writing here without checking my previous posts.

That's not a bad idea, right?