New Month, More Thoughts

It's a new month... and honestly, I have nothing much to write here. But this is better than writing my thoughts on Facebook. If I have to be honest, that site had become quite toxic for me. I don't know why... Or maybe I just refuse to know why. Then again, social media had become such a place lately, right? So for now, let me state my thoughts here. Not many people see this, I know. But there are some who would, whether they intend to or not.

i don't have any reasons to hate weddings, right?

Okay. Let me clarify this for a little bit.

For a long while now, I've never really liked the idea of weddings -- at least for myself. I'm 32 years old, turning 33 this August. And to be honest, to our society (or at least what the society thinks), I've already passed the average age to get married. To their standards, maybe I did. But to my own, I don't have it in me or even the most plausible reason to get married.

Why?

My life isn't still how I wanted it to be. Maybe my introverted and shy personality could also be the factor for me being a certified NBSB, as well. Add the fact that my surroundings (or at least, the events around me that had happened over the years) changed my perception about love and relationship (even weddings) drastically. And can I also attribute it to the fact that it was my choice not to be involve in any commitment or relationship? Yes, maybe I'm the one to blame. And yes, I don't mind taking that blame for that choice.

I only realized this after my second sister got married last April 20. I can't really pinpoint the feeling at first during my first sister's wedding last November 25, 2022. All I could recall was the apathetic attitude I have about it and also the fact that I don't want to attend that wedding. I wouldn't be able to, but they still managed to convince me to do so. Weird, right? Why wouldn't I attend my sister's wedding at the time?

It was only in this recent wedding that made me fully acknowledge the answer. My perception about love, relationship, and especially weddings was destroyed because of a certain event back in 2015. I can't recall the exact date, but I know that it happened a year after I graduated college. Then adding to that was the series of rejections I got before that, back in high school. I want to remain positive even at the time, to be honest. But how can I stay positive if my surroundings have given me reasons not to like things like this anymore or even believe in any of these things that's supposed to make someone happy?

But like I said, I don't have any reason to continue hating love and weddings. At least, I'm sure of it now...

Things you would like to do with your significant other.

You got to be kidding me. But hey, that's what the prompt had asked, so I might as well get on with it. Maybe one of these days, I'd actually be able to make it happen,

• Hiking and watching the sunrise with him. Not in a snowy area, though.
• Just enjoy a leisurely walk by the seaside hand in hand.
• Cuddle and enjoy a cup of hot chocolate while watching a series/movie.
• Dance outside, preferably slow dance/waltz.
• Pass on letters and love notes to each other from time to time.
• Get to sing love songs to each other.
• Take photos of our beautiful and even random moments together.

Open/read when: You're missing me a lot

Dear Sunrise,

This could be a maybe, though. I mean, we still haven't met until now. But I'm pretty sure, the yearning is there. It's strong and definitely getting stronger as time passes by that we still haven't crossed paths. It could really drive us crazy, don't you think? I miss you even without knowing you yet. And you're the same, regardless of the life that you have now and the presence of the people surrounding you.

It's too much to bear, but please don't despair. As we know, it's part of a test. A part of endurance and patience until the day that we'd finally meet will come. You miss me, but it won't be long. Or at least, let's do our best to make it seem that it won't be long now. We'll get to smile at each other one day and laugh without a care in the world. Let's believe in the works of the heavens that it's not going to take us that long to wait and miss each other's presence that we both longed to feel all this time.

Let's smile at the world, even if the yearning is too strong for us to bear. Let's have faith, even if the circumstances are enough to make us lose hope. Let's love each other, even if we still don't know each other at the moment and we could still be far away from each other.

I miss you and you could also be missing me. But one day, we'll be together finally.

Missing you a lot,
Florence Joyce

Love was made of joy

Dear Sunrise,

It's a lovely day to feel loved, don't you think? And I think it should be that way, considering that even though we're far from each other at the moment, I can still feel you here with me. Right here in my heart. I may be alone at the moment, and at times I do feel alone even with the presence of my family beside me. But I have faith. At least, I feel that I should have faith.

Faith that we'll be seeing each other -- finally...

Faith that we'll love each other better than how we were imagining it in our heads...

Faith that we'll get through all this low self-esteem and lack of confidence moments that we could be going through...

Faith that this love we believe has always been meant for us to share and live through will bring us insurmountable joy one day...

Yes, let's both have faith that it will happen. It is going to happen. It is happening. The love we both dreamed of to become reality will come knocking in front of us before we can even realize it. And that joy brought about by the love we feel for each other will sweep over us and embrace us warmly like no other feeling have ever done to us.

Just have faith, my love...

Still believing,
Florence Joyce

Open/read when: When we haven't talked in a while.

Dear Sunrise,

We surely didn't talk for a while. And I mean a long while. In my dreams, I'm pretty sure we did. But it's possible that I couldn't recall them at all. I could have dreams in which I talked to you a lot of times. But recalling them have been the hardest task of all.

I don't want to feel disappointed. I don't like feeling in despair. But at some point, I couldn't help it. I do want to talk to you. I do love to be with you and laugh and enjoy each other's company -- just as we've always wanted to feel when you and I will finally cross paths and meet.

Right now, I couldn't do anything. At the moment, all I can do is to earnestly believe that a magic can happen. Let this letter reach you one day when you have no one to talk to. Let this letter make you realize the truth that you seek. Let this letter form a thread that will connect us together even if we're apart at the moment. Allow this letter to let your heart feel the words of love and admiration that I'm sure can help you go through whatever challenges you're facing right now.

Let this letter reach you and one day, we'll reach each other and talk about each other nonstop -- finally cherishing the feeling of being together at last after all that.

With love,
Florence Joyce

Shoot For The Stars

To my Sunrise,

Okay. So maybe writing this letter to you who I haven't met yet can be considered as shooting for the stars. And yet I'm still doing it ー all because I've been waiting for you to enter my life in such a long time. I kept on telling other people that I don't need to fall in love or to commit if I knew that I'd end up getting hurt in the end. Getting rejected, getting friend-zoned, and seeing other people's relationships fall apart right in front of me... These things had made my heart build up a wall to stop myself from feeling so bad about myself because no one would want to love me as the person that I am.

It's a scary feeling to encounter again, and so I made a resolution. I know in my heart that living my life with this lingering negative feeling won't do me any good. I know I'm not meant to live like this for long. At least, that's what I'm choosing to believe. I'm doing the best I can to change the course of my life at the moment. As I'm writing here, I'm sensing that I can only meet you and cross paths with you if I choose to finally let go of what's been holding me back from truly loving all this time.

At the moment, it's a slow process. At one point, I couldn't help feeling frustrated. Even with that, I'm doing what I can to fight that negative feeling. To be the best version of myself before meeting you without actually giving up ー this is shooting for the stars for me. At the end of it all, I only intend to shoot for the stars I'd like to call my destined love.

Until then, let's both do our best so we can finally meet one day.

The one who's continuously waiting,

Florence Joyce

The best thing that ever happened to me is you.

To my (future) Sunrise,

One thing I can tell after all that has happened in my life ー you are the miracle that I asked for from the heavens. The best gift that I've ever received in my life. As exaggerated as it might sound right now, what I'm writing here at the moment is the truth.

You will surely be my life's game changer.

Yes, I'm aware that I haven't met you yet. Right now, you are probably living your life the way you wanted it to a long time ago. Even though I don't know anything about it, I'll continue believing that our separate paths will meet one day. Whatever life that you have now, I'm praying that it's going to provide a way for us to meet and be close to one another.

We both have no knowing if our meeting will lead to a love so beautiful, as if we've dreamed it to life. But I do know one thing. You coming into my life and giving you the love I never thought I'd give to anyone will put me in a pedestal I could only dream of reaching. Your love ー so true and unconditional ー will become one of my greatest inspirations as I continue reaching towards the dreams I only gazed at from afar.

I know and I'm sure I'd love the support we both give to each other towards the things that make us happy ー individually and together as best friends and lovers we're going to become. One day, loving each other will not be a distant dream anymore.

I'm still waiting, and I'm doing so patiently. I'm waiting for the day where I can proudly tell to the world how much I love you and how you've become the greatest and the best thing that will ever happen to me. On that day, I'm sure I've also loved myself even more and I'm willing to show to the world the best version of me that I've strive to become so that I can feel that I'm deserving for the true and unconditional love I'm receiving from you.

Till that day, let's do our best and let's pray for each other to fulfill our dreams and meet with pride and joy to our destiny of loving one another.

Always waiting,

Florence Joyce

What does love mean to you?

You've got to be kidding me. I actually got this prompt to answer tonight? But since it's a question that's needed to be answered, possibly for my sake, then I have to do my best. Take note, though, that for someone who still has yet to experience what it's like to truly fall in love, my answer here can be a little vague.

Love is always there. It doesn't fade, it won't vanish. It's just that people do tend to neglect it. And for me, that's one reason why people fall out of love.

Love is unconditional. Love is ever the greatest power that can change someone's life, along with faith and trust. Love holds the greatest magic that this world can ever experience in one's life. Love can transcend space and time, as long as one believes in it.

Love will always be something that can shed a light on my rather gray life and put colors to it, as well. Love will always be the sunrise that my heart longs to see all this time. Love will become the key for me to find my life purpose. Self-love, filial love, platonic love, romantic love ー these kinds of love will definitely change my life for the better.

Open/read when: You need some love...

Dear (Future) Sunrise,

Here I am, writing to you again. I hope you won't mind. I know I still haven't met you yet. We haven't crossed paths at all ー at least not yet. But you know I can wait. I'm willing to wait until I can finally meet you. We do stand under the same sky, regardless of where you are right now. And that sky will become my guide to meet you one day.

Wherever you are, I hope that you are okay. That you are healthy. That you are loved ー both by your family and by many people around you. And here I am, actually grateful that you are living a well-off life (both literally and metaphorically). Then again, I can tell that there could be moments when it wasn't enough. Or maybe you can't feel it, for some reasons. Whatever the case, let this love I saved for you reach you in some ways.

I'd love it so much if this letter would help you remember why (one day) I will choose to love you. It's because you're you. You, at some point and I can tell, will change my life for the better. You will make me find one best part of myself that I didn't even know I have in me. If you're losing the reason to continue, please know that I'm still here. In time, we'll meet each other. In God's perfect timing, we'll love each other deeply and unconditionally. Don't ever think that no one loves you when a moment for you to think like that. I love you. I will love you. And I will always find a way to love you, even at your worst. Don't lose hope. Don't lose faith. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere.

These words might not be enough for now. One day, I know and I'd love to see how these words can somehow change you. In time, if fate allows it, then I can show it to you and prove it to you in ways I know. I may be lacking in some parts, but let me do my best to show to you that are loved, whoever you are. You are the one I will choose to be with and you will be the one who I can love with all my heart. I hope you will remember that before we meet ー finally.

With all the love I have,

Florence Joyce

I Love When...

To my (future) Sunrise,

I love it when you give me the best smile you can show me each time I wake up. Beside you or when you enter the room, bringing me breakfast even though you don't have to. You have no idea how those smiles of yours would provide an energy booster for me to get through another treacherous day.

I love it when each "I love you's" you'd speak would not only make my heart flutter, it also gives me the confidence and the faith that I always lack before. Each different ways you'd say the word "love" brings me closer to the reason why I know I chose the right person to love and be with for the rest of my life.

I love it when each tight embrace would crumble the walls I surround myself effortlessly and still warm enough to make me feel secure. Your embrace becomes the strongest shield I have and can use to protect my heart from getting hurt even more by the demons of this world and my life.

I love it when, in spite of everything you've learned about me, good or bad, you stayed by my side with no hesitation. You held my hand and kissed it gently, like a princes you'd always treat me to be, and believed that I can be more than what I usually think I am.

And because of all the things I love about you, it only gives me more reason to love you even better each day without holding back. With all these, I know and I can tell that it was just right that my heart, once broken and lost, would always be grateful to the heavens above that I came to love you today and for all of my life.

I love you. ❤

The one who will love you this much,

Florence Joyce

What does unconditional love look like to you?

Why is it that the prompt I keep on getting are becoming more and more complicated for me to answer? And to think I could only get the answer in the realm of my imagination ー a part of me in which I wasn't sure if it would even exist in reality at some point in my life. Though I could ask my heart on that, I have a feeling that the answer I can come up with wouldn't suffice somehow. I don't know why I had this kind of feeling.

Unconditional love...

Is there even such a thing? In a world where we live right now, should I still believe that it exist? Sorry, I didn't mean to be dramatic here, considering the fact that I haven't written on my journal yesterday. But I'm going to answer this as truthful as I can. As sincere as I can. Maybe that way, I could discover a path for me to actually experience this in the near future.

For me, this type of love looks like a rock. This type of love can become a strong foundation to build a beautiful and harmonious relationship. A rock-like love that no storm nor fire could ever break. A rock-like love that holds firmly and true to the promise and resolve to only feel it towards that special person they've chosen to love through it all. This is a love that will not be forgotten regardless of the passage of time. An unconditional love is the one that can accept everything (past mistakes and troubles, haunting faults) and still remain by that person's side with no questions, no judgment, no holds barred. A rock-like love that will forever remain true to the most beautiful person in his/her eyes and prove each other's love every chance they get.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

Do you believe in eternal love? Why?

One of the most crucial questions that, for me, is a little hard to answer. Well, first and foremost, I do believe in it. And I mean strongly. For someone who had fallen in love, only for it not to be reciprocated in the end, people might find it silly and absurd. But for me, eternal love is something that is much stronger than anything I would ever feel in my life. At least, that's how I'm feeling it.

For me, believing in eternal love is something like believing that the love we once felt in this world can transcend through space and time. This eternal love is something that was born from a promise ー a strong one ー that two people who truly loved each other will find each other once again. Death may have separated them physically. But eternal love can do much more for those two hearts who believed that they were meant to be together.

Eternal love ー and believing in it ー makes me realize that once you find that one person you know is truly meant for you, nothing can separate you and that person.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

Dance With Me

To the (future) love of my life,

I know I'm not a good dancer. I'm not much of a dancer, anyway. But it's a dream come true for me to be able to dance with you. For me to be able to move gracefully with the music together with you.

I can feel my heart soar if it does happen, if you also decide to fulfill this little wish I have. So please, will you dance with me one day? And I'd love it so if it would put a smile on both of our faces and even our hearts that love each other more and more each coming day...

With love,
Florence Joyce

What qualities do you want in a romantic partner? What are the top 10 characteristic that you look for in a romantic partner?

Talk about crazy for me to get this prompt. But I think the Universe is just giving me the sign that it's about time I should give this a careful thought and deep contemplation. I mean, I am 28 years old already. I'm truly NBSB, which at some point, I'm proud of. But it can get a little lonely on my part and I tend to get envious about how most people I know are either settled down or relishing the love they've found.

I do have certain criteria and qualities that I look for in a potential romance partner/significant other. At first, they were simple. Over time, they changed ー especially during the time when my parents' relationship went downhill for good. Not to mention, something that happened in the past still haunts me, even though I want to forget about it or let go of it. So, yeah. People might find these qualities cringey at some point, and yet they are my guides to direct me to realize what I truly want or what exactly I was looking for.

Here goes:

1. A guy possibly 20 cm taller than me, maximum. 😂😂
2. Seven years older or younger than me, maximum. The number 7 kept on ringing in my head, for some reason. And it's been like that for a while now.
3. Someone who is supportive of my writing endeavor. This is one thing that's truly important and meaningful for me.
4. Someone who loves me for everything I am, regardless of my past and my faults.
5. Someone who can teach me new good and enjoyable things that can help me grow as a better person.
6. Someone who can comfort me when I'm feeling down or insecure even without me actually saying it.
7. Someone who is a good cook and who can teach me how to cook even better.
8. A man who I can be comfortable with, regardless of the racial and cultural/religious differences between us.
9. Someone who I can write love letters to and will truly appreciate and treasure them. 😄💕
10. Someone who can make me smile from the heart with his faith and his love for me.

🔅🔅🔅

Update: 9/21/20

By the way, since I deleted this particular post on Instagram, I decided to add the comments that my online friend and I shared when this was posted there before. I just didn't want to completely delete everything, that's why. 😄✌️💕

And the comments are in Tagalog.

What's so hard about dating you?

Dating? Are you kidding me? For someone who's NBSB (no boyfriend since birth), dating is the last thing that would enter my mind. Now tell me why in the world did I get this question? I could've just groaned and throw this question away as soon as I saw it. It's a frustrating question to get and to answer on my part, to be honest. Then again, I chose this and I have to do my best to answer this. No other way. Weird as it may sound, I'll just get on with it.

I'm a person that's sort of kept to myself. Not to mention, I hide the fact that I get jealous easily, though it's not obvious. As much as possible, I'd like to keep it to myself. On my end, that's a bad thing. It happens when I'm still with my family. I have this feeling that it's going to happen to my future significant other. And it scares me in a certain level that it's going to happen for real. Another would be the feeling of being clingy. I don't know why I have that feeling. Third would be the knowledge that because I haven't dated anyone before, I might be truly clueless about what to do. And it might end up boring or completely meaningless.

As of now, I can only think of those reasons. I could come up with more, but I don't want that to affect me in any other way in the future.

A letter of your choice. (My Future Sunrise)

Dear future Sunrise (a.k.a soulmate),

Obviously, I haven't met you yet. I guess it's because we're far from each other. We're isolated from one another. And even in this quarantine time/period of isolation that the world is going through, we're still determined to find each other. I don't know when or how or if it will even happen. But even if I do feel despair at times and thoughts of letting things stay this way occur in my mind more often than usual, I don't want to give up. I'm still here dreaming, imagining, and praying that I would find you. Without a doubt, it's happening. I have to believe in that.

For now, it's going to be hard for both of us. This period of isolation and our limiting beliefs is putting us through in feeling lonelier and yearning for something missing in our lives more than ever. The right thing we can do for each other right now is believe we'll get through this. Let's have faith that we can find our way to each other, no matter what happens. It can happen, as long as we both believe.

Still waiting for you,
Florence Joyce