Souji (Kyoryuger)/Fuuka (Ninninger): I Have You

It has been a long walk, but it seemed that Fuuka wasn’t minding that at all. In her mind, she needed that walk to clear her mind. It might not be enough. But at least she had something she could do just to make sure she wouldn’t give in to her overthinking mind.

She wasn’t in her right mindframe to train, anyway. So doing walks like this did provide her with a little bit of clarity. She would’ve opted to talk to someone, just so she could release whatever worries she had at the moment. But she couldn’t find it in her to disturb her cousins.

Make Things Right Again (KR Build: Banjou/Kyuranger: Hammie)

The idea was to let everything around her sink into her mind at the moment. To relish the place that once held some sort of importance for her. But in Hammie’s case, doing exactly that would only open the wound that had made it the reason for her to leave town.

And yet, here she was, looking around the station as soon as she got out of the train. She might not be aware of it, but a part of her was hoping for something... familiar. Perhaps see a familiar face? Feel a familiar feeling? Recall a familiar memory?

"It was our choice from a long time ago that finally led us here. We might not have known it before, but now I do. We met in the most unusual of circumstances, dealing with inner battles that made us decide to head somewhere. We could have met before and we just didn't realize it. Maybe here in reality or in our ever floating dreams. It might not have been the most amazing kind of first meeting. But here's to me wishing that it won't be our last..."

i don't have any reasons to hate weddings, right?

Okay. Let me clarify this for a little bit.

For a long while now, I've never really liked the idea of weddings -- at least for myself. I'm 32 years old, turning 33 this August. And to be honest, to our society (or at least what the society thinks), I've already passed the average age to get married. To their standards, maybe I did. But to my own, I don't have it in me or even the most plausible reason to get married.

Why?

My life isn't still how I wanted it to be. Maybe my introverted and shy personality could also be the factor for me being a certified NBSB, as well. Add the fact that my surroundings (or at least, the events around me that had happened over the years) changed my perception about love and relationship (even weddings) drastically. And can I also attribute it to the fact that it was my choice not to be involve in any commitment or relationship? Yes, maybe I'm the one to blame. And yes, I don't mind taking that blame for that choice.

I only realized this after my second sister got married last April 20. I can't really pinpoint the feeling at first during my first sister's wedding last November 25, 2022. All I could recall was the apathetic attitude I have about it and also the fact that I don't want to attend that wedding. I wouldn't be able to, but they still managed to convince me to do so. Weird, right? Why wouldn't I attend my sister's wedding at the time?

It was only in this recent wedding that made me fully acknowledge the answer. My perception about love, relationship, and especially weddings was destroyed because of a certain event back in 2015. I can't recall the exact date, but I know that it happened a year after I graduated college. Then adding to that was the series of rejections I got before that, back in high school. I want to remain positive even at the time, to be honest. But how can I stay positive if my surroundings have given me reasons not to like things like this anymore or even believe in any of these things that's supposed to make someone happy?

But like I said, I don't have any reason to continue hating love and weddings. At least, I'm sure of it now...

"Even if it was just in my mind, one that would continuously wish you would finally notice, I love the idea of those thoughts about my feelings reaching you in a way. No matter the distance, no matter the circumstances, I want them to reach you. It might take a while for you to realize them. But let me believe that they will. One day, they might fulfill that eternal dream and let it become a beautiful reality that I can live about without regrets..."

i still feel worthless... even as a 32-year-old...

I know I shouldn't be talking negatively like this about myself. But you know I can't help it, especially when a certain occasion had made me feel like this. There was no one to blame but myself and my choices, of course. In a way, I know I have to admit that to myself.

This is (currently) who I am... and I'm in the middle of working on getting out of this mentality. Even when society's dictation proved that I'm such a person by their standards.

I made my choice back then. And I'm able to stand my ground on that choice since then. It's hard, without a doubt. But I still try what I can to live everyday without regretting the choice I made. I decided to become a hardheaded daughter and choose what I want to do. It's not enough to make me live the life I want. And I'm fully aware of that.

Yet, when I made that choice, I felt... like myself in a way. It's strange, but I know that this is what I want to do. What I want to walk on to, even when I could see that the road will already be a rough one. I maybe crazy for thinking this. And maybe this is why I feel worthless since nothing much had happened since I chose this path.

But I know it'll be okay soon. Not because I believe in it, but because I'm claiming it -- one way or another...