How have you changed in the past 2 years?

Not so much, if I'm going to be honest. Or at least, I'd like to think that there wasn't so much changes because of my way of thinking. I do have sensitivity issues now compared to before. I was writing a lot before and I was more inspired about a lot of things before. I don't have much of a care about the world (or should I say, my surroundings) before compared to now. I did notice that I have heightened sensitivity towards my surroundings now and I decided to work on heightening my intuition now, as well. If it was from 2 years ago, I would have ignored this intuition issue, to be honest.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

What do you want to do with your free time today?

Write and read. Big time.

Okay. This is just between you and me. But you see, these two are the activities I've been neglecting to do for quite a while now. I got so caught up in reality, daydreaming, and overthinking that there was no room for me to do the things that gave me comfort and boost before.

By the way, on the writing part, journal writing is not included there, okay? What I mean by this is fiction writing. I haven't done that for a while. Same goes to fiction reading ー or I guess I should include nonfiction here, as well. But only if the subject is something that caught my interest.

Yes, I know free time is suppose to be for resting and enjoying to do relaxing things. But these are the activities I'd like to do without distractions at all. I'd like to do it together with a peaceful flow, you know?

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

Dear Past Me...

Dear Past Me,

Forgive me for writing here at the start that I want to say sorry to you if this would make you scared or emotional in some ways. I want to say sorry for disappointing you in so many ways. Forgive me... for not being the confident person you once wished to become when you reach this age. A lot of things had happened, and a lot of them had either broken my heart, disappointed me, or shattered my confidence over all. Because of that, I've missed a lot of opportunities in life. I've garnered a lot of regrets in life that even you would feel ashamed that you are about to go through all that. So forgive me for being such a huge disappointment to your hopeful young self.

One thing I can tell you to change it all ー be more aggressive in pursuing what you want to do in life. Yes, even more aggressive than your younger sisters. Be yourself, but don't forget to do a little glow-up methodology and techniques so that it's not only your brains that people would notice about you. Have your own beauty routine so that you won't fall behind your sisters. Maybe ー just maybe ー it can help you get the attention of whoever guy (cute or smart or handsome) captures your young heart.

I know that these are weird advices coming from your older self, but I'm doing this for your sake. I'm doing this so that you could have at least a chance to do your best your life the way you deemed fit for your age and mindset. I love you so much, that's why I'm writing you this. Do this, so you won't have anything to regret once you reach my age. Be yourself, and it's not going to be a hard thing for you to love yourself more.

I love you, and I hope you take the advice I wrote here.

From your 28-year-old self

What is your favorite personality trait?

If this prompt is about personality trait that I see on other people, then I would say (or write) patience and being warm. I don't know which among the "Big 5" these traits fall under, but I'd rather not delve into that since it's just going to give me more headache, to be honest.

Why patience? Maybe because I've exhibited this particular trait for as I can remember. I tried my utmost best not to rush things even though at times, I do get frustrated when things don't come or happen when I expect them to be or when the waiting turned out to be longer than anticipated. But yeah, I can say being patient is one of those personality traits that I love.

As for warmth (or being warm), I consider this as a favorite because this is something that I actually lack. I've known for a long time that I'm not as warm or congenial aa that of my sister. But I try. At least I know I've tried. Even though I lack warmth, it's still a wonderful personality trait for me since this can lead to a very congenial relationship with someone.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

A letter to your body.

To my still striving body,

First of all, forgive me for letting you endure a lot because of all that I'm doing. I know we both had to deal with muscle strain and muscle pain due to all the lifting we had to do. But in all that, I am still glad that I could rely on you most of the time. I'm pretty much aware that you need a long rest and here I am again, apologizing for not being able to let you do so.

I'm proud of you, though, for being able to handle a lot, for being able to stay strong enough not just for me but also for those who needs that strength. Over the next years, let's stay healthy so we could do more for our dreams still waiting to be fulfilled.

Love,

Florence Joyce

What do you envy of your partner or your friends?

Wow. Talk about a trip down the memory lane type of question again for tonight's journal prompt. Then again, a lot of the prompts I'd pick up have that kind of vibe. Let's see... I'm going to be pointing it towards friends as I still don't have a partner at all. And this might come out as lame, cringey or childish at some point, so I'm warning you.

I really envy their determination, their humor, the way they handled their challenges. I envy a lot about my friends ー both in real world and online. More often than not, I envy about their confidence and the way they present themselves to the world. They didn't let the world cooped them up in one corner and forever hide from everyone.

Even if I say "I wish...", wishing won't lead me anywhere. I got to have my own confidence, as well, so that it won't be hard for me to show myself that this is me and this is what's going to make me successful. In my own way, I'm doing it ー that's something I'd like to say to myself confidently.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

Open/read when: You need some love...

Dear (Future) Sunrise,

Here I am, writing to you again. I hope you won't mind. I know I still haven't met you yet. We haven't crossed paths at all ー at least not yet. But you know I can wait. I'm willing to wait until I can finally meet you. We do stand under the same sky, regardless of where you are right now. And that sky will become my guide to meet you one day.

Wherever you are, I hope that you are okay. That you are healthy. That you are loved ー both by your family and by many people around you. And here I am, actually grateful that you are living a well-off life (both literally and metaphorically). Then again, I can tell that there could be moments when it wasn't enough. Or maybe you can't feel it, for some reasons. Whatever the case, let this love I saved for you reach you in some ways.

I'd love it so much if this letter would help you remember why (one day) I will choose to love you. It's because you're you. You, at some point and I can tell, will change my life for the better. You will make me find one best part of myself that I didn't even know I have in me. If you're losing the reason to continue, please know that I'm still here. In time, we'll meet each other. In God's perfect timing, we'll love each other deeply and unconditionally. Don't ever think that no one loves you when a moment for you to think like that. I love you. I will love you. And I will always find a way to love you, even at your worst. Don't lose hope. Don't lose faith. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere.

These words might not be enough for now. One day, I know and I'd love to see how these words can somehow change you. In time, if fate allows it, then I can show it to you and prove it to you in ways I know. I may be lacking in some parts, but let me do my best to show to you that are loved, whoever you are. You are the one I will choose to be with and you will be the one who I can love with all my heart. I hope you will remember that before we meet ー finally.

With all the love I have,

Florence Joyce

What's a funny story that makes you laugh every time?

Funny story? Okay, now I have to rake my mind to actually recall one. Because seriously, I can't recall anything like that at all. Or maybe I'm just refusing to even remember? But why is that? Have I truly encountered a funny story that can still make me laugh until now?

If it is something I experienced or encountered, then I couldn't recall any. Sorry, but I really rake my mind for anything about this. As sad as it may seem, but there's nothing that comes in mind at all. I feel bad, for some reasons I can't tell.

But if it is from what I've been watching or reading, then I guess I could mention a few of them. They came from watching Kalyeserye, though. Of course, it's because the people who told them were comedians. But that's to be expected. And watching them again, they still make me laugh. Every time. Without fail.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

What famous world festivals would you like to attend?

Well, this is a fun prompt. It's something new. But come to think of it, have I actually thought of traveling the world with the intention of attending a festival? I need to get to have a passport and the necessary funds to actually do this in the future. But hey! A person can dream, right? And who knows? It can manifest right in front of me before I know it.

Anyway, I guess I'll just list 15 of those festivals here, just in case. And one day, perhaps I could cross it out one by one. Either alone or with someone I love. Here goes:

1. Sky Lantern Festival (Taiwan)
2. Yeouido Cherry Blossom Festival (South Korea)
3. Sapporo Snow Festival (Japan)
4. Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta (New Mexico, USA)
5. St. Patrick's Day (Ireland)
6. Verona In Love Festival (Italy)
7. Jinju Lantern Festival (South Korea)
8. Hwacheon Sancheoneo (South Korea)
9. Venice Carnival (Italy)
10. Maskara Festival (The Philippines)
11. August Moon Festival (Greece)
12. Aomori Nebuta Matsuri (Japan)
13. Frankfurt Bookfair (Germany)
14. Seollal (South Korea)
15. Pahiyas Festival (The Philippines)

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

What is the one thing you are excited about?

This is just what I've noticed over the years. But it seems that traveling is the one thing that can really make me hyper ― besides new story ideas, of course. Even as a child, it's something that could really make me stay up all night because of excitement. Riding somewhere far and watch the scenery as it goes can make me feel elated in some ways and I love that feeling. I always do.

Sadly, because of the CoViD-19 situation, it's unsure if we could still do it again. But I'm feeling it somehow that before the year ends, things can get better. I'm believing it and I am continuing to do that. There's nothing wrong with that, right?

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

I Love When...

To my (future) Sunrise,

I love it when you give me the best smile you can show me each time I wake up. Beside you or when you enter the room, bringing me breakfast even though you don't have to. You have no idea how those smiles of yours would provide an energy booster for me to get through another treacherous day.

I love it when each "I love you's" you'd speak would not only make my heart flutter, it also gives me the confidence and the faith that I always lack before. Each different ways you'd say the word "love" brings me closer to the reason why I know I chose the right person to love and be with for the rest of my life.

I love it when each tight embrace would crumble the walls I surround myself effortlessly and still warm enough to make me feel secure. Your embrace becomes the strongest shield I have and can use to protect my heart from getting hurt even more by the demons of this world and my life.

I love it when, in spite of everything you've learned about me, good or bad, you stayed by my side with no hesitation. You held my hand and kissed it gently, like a princes you'd always treat me to be, and believed that I can be more than what I usually think I am.

And because of all the things I love about you, it only gives me more reason to love you even better each day without holding back. With all these, I know and I can tell that it was just right that my heart, once broken and lost, would always be grateful to the heavens above that I came to love you today and for all of my life.

I love you. ❤

The one who will love you this much,

Florence Joyce

Write down one thing that you can not let go of.

I have a lot to list down with this prompt. But since it only asked for one, then let's start picking one. For me, it would be a pen. Yes, my writer self is striking again, seriously! Sorry for that, but I can't really help it. It's just a part of me, I guess. And I guess between a pen and a phone or a tablet, I'd still pick pen.

Though I've used a lot of them over the years, pen had become a tool for me to realize a lot and experience a lot. Rejection, achievement, confusion, pain ー all the words I've written using a pen will always stay as a part of me. One day, if I'd end up forgetting everything and everyone ー whether intentionally, by force, or by accident ー the words I jotted down will become a way for me to reconnect with things. To reconnect with life.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

Things you worried about in the past that never happened.

Let's see.

Though if I'm going to be honest, I can't recall anything that goes with this. Or maybe I just couldn't remember since it happened a long time ago? As a kid, I don't recall having too much worries. When I was a teenager, the only thing that worried me was about my grades, my crush not noticing me, and maybe even bullies.

Out of those things, however, I guess the one thing that I could use as an answer to this prompt could be something silly to others, but something I'd consider a big deal to a self-proclaimed (and obvious) wallflower like me. It's about... having no one to actually have feelings for me or even just having a crush on me. It was sad enough that no one would even pay that much attention to someone simple like me. Having sisters who many have always considered to be prettier and attention-catcher (and smarter) than I am doesn't really gives me the boost in my self-esteem and self-confidence over the years. So having someone to consider me as much more than a classmate or a friend is already a miracle to me.

But a certain story from high school that I didn't know existing had changed my perception on that. There was someone who actually thought of me as such. And yet, for some reason, I felt conflicted knowing that. I was happy, I was sad, I was regretful, I blamed myself at some point for not noticing, and I felt relieved.

Yes, it was weird for me to feel that way. But at some point, it did change my life ー even just a little.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

What makes you the most angry, the most frustrated, the most annoyed, and why?

Here's one thing to know before I write my answers on this prompt ー I rarely get angry. My family can attest to that. I get frustrated and annoyed a lot and most of the time, I try to hide it but fails. 😆

Most angry: When insults and degrading words thrown at me or someone I care about became too much for my ears and my mind to even handle. I can take insults, I'm not going to strike you about it, as long as I can handle it. But when the verbal abuse had crossed the line way too much, then don't be surprised if I actually snapped. In my opinion, I think I'm like a dormant volcano that suddenly turns active when I'm angry. And I have this feeling that I can be a dangerous person when that happens.

Most frustrated: When even my best doesn't seem to be enough to get me through the day. It's something I've been feeling since graduating from college, to be honest. And then there's people pressuring me to find work (though I know I should really do this), even get married. Seriously, why are you forcing me to do something that I can tell I'm going to curse for a long time if I actually do so? Can't you just live your own life and stop minding mine?

Most annoyed: People who seem to have the talent of irritating everyone or someone just to have fun. Oh, and should I add people who are attention seeker? And I mean the worst ones. I don't think I have to explain this since it would only ruin my night.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

What do you wish you could magically make happen at the snap of a finger?

I'm not going to lie. I ended up thinking of a lot of things when this prompt came up. Let me list it out here and then I'll choose one from them. Okay?

1. Fix my birth certificate.
2. Go to either Japan and Korea.
3. Provide an opportunity to meet my soulmate.
4. Easily print out all the scenes of various stories in my head and be a recognized writer because of those stories.
5. Have a beautiful singing voice.
6. Have the ability to be an actress.
7. Meet the people I admire.
8. Earn a lot from writing.

But out of these choices I have, if I'm only going to choose one, it will be number 4. Yes, I know. Writer's dreams. Maybe not so much on the getting highly recognized part. But at least on the ideas running in my head that I'm doing my best until now to keep up. The only way for me to actually keep on track is to imagine it over and over again until I can finally put it to paper and online. I would definitely love that to happen.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

Your hopes for this blog.

...and to think I just finished transferring the journal prompt answers I posted first on IG to this blog. I just smiled at the sight of this prompt, to be honest. But by doing so, I sort of started envisioning something about this.

I know my life isn't perfect. But I started my blog for the reason that even with the imperfect and (majorly) boring life I have, I still want to document some of them here. Share my interests, my comments/reviews/opinions, share my thoughts. Lately, placing my journal prompt answers I have on my blog makes me think that it's going to be a gateway to a part of me ー for people to know me better.

Even though not many people read them right now, I still have hopes that it can reach a lot of people. I have hopes that the words I placed there will give them a better insight in life as I go on a journey to seek the life I'm meant to have for myself. Open letters, little trivias, sentiments on an issue, revelation of worries and anxieties ー I'm placing something important about myself in those prompts. I have this hope that those important parts of me can become a way for people to discover what they want, what they are capable of, and what I can learn more about myself that I'm still unaware of.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

Where do you see yourself in 3 months, 6 months, and 12 months? Be specific.

In all of these, I would answer one thing.

I'd like to see myself having a clear path ー or if not, a clear vision ー of what I truly want to do in my life. A clear vision of my true life purpose. 28 years of wondering and walking aimlessly is enough for me. I just don't want my life to remain aimless as it was all those years ago since those failures had hit me hard.

I knew I had it bad, but it didn't occur to me before that it would put a toll on me, on my self-esteem, on my confidence. It doesn't matter if it's in 3 months, in 6 months, or in one year.

I only want one thing ー and that is clarity towards the path I have to take or the dreams I truly aim to fulfill before my life ends.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

If you were unapologetically and truly yourself, day in and day out, and if you fully accepted and loved yourself, what would change for you moving forward?

Okay. Now I'm not going to lie, this is going to be a hard prompt to answer for me. Even though I am trying my best to truly be myself every day, there are still instances that I find it so hard to actually do so.

Majority of my school days, I felt like doing my best to be myself makes me sort of an outcast from the clique. Growing up, being myself made me feel like a loner. I do have close friends, but a part of me truly knew that they would end up deciding to stay away once they find me too quiet and maybe even boring for their taste. With them staying away from me was my fear.

If I'm truly myself and I unconditionally loved myself regardless of my past faults and setbacks, I know that my life would propel forward for the better. If not, for the best. The best of me that I didn't realize I even have in me.

No more nagging thoughts. No more hesitation in chasing after what I want. No more "I can't do this because blah blah blah...". No more fear of what the people around me would say. I'd be doing a lot of things I've never done before. I would've met amazing people I haven't crossed paths with before. Learn new lessons that will provide me the push and the stepping stones into reaching the life I can only dream about.

If I'm truly myself and have fully accepted myself, doubt can never destroythe faith I have gained for myself over time. Nothing can destroy that.

Your favorite shows.

I got a long list for that, to be honest. Even with no television and just the tablet that I have right now, I still have a lot of TV shows to watch. But for this entry, let me list the 15 shows that have become my favorites over time. Be it a documentary, or a drama. There's nothing wrong with that, right?

There isn't any particular order for this list, by the way. I'm just writing them as I recall the answer. Okay?

🔹Ancient Aliens

🔹Ancient Megastructures

🔹Hollywood Medium with Tyler Henry

🔹The UnXplained

🔹CSI: Miami

🔹CSI: New York

🔹Totally Spies!

🔹Zyuden Sentai Kyoryuger

🔹The Moon That Embraces The Sun

🔹Samurai Sentai Shinkenger

🔹Kamen Rider Build

🔹Kishiryu Sentai Ryusoulger

🔹Sungkyunkwan Scandal

🔹Busted!

🔹Detective Conan

Someone once wildly told you...

...that I am mataray. Or at least I look like that. "Mataray" is a Tagalog word, by the way and it means "arrogant" or "churlish". Most commonly, though, the word "mataray" applies to girls and women. I was in third year high school when someone told me this. What's surprising for me at the time was that it was the first time someone actually described me as such. Their most common description of me prior to that was quiet, naive, introverted, anti-social. But not "mataray". Then again, my mom was and is always known for being "mataray" and "suplada" (snobbish). So I guess I could say that it's a hereditary trait. 😆 Though in my case, I'd say I only have the mild version of it.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

What is one brave thing you have done?

Still holding on to my dreams, believing that they will come true even though the people around me kept on telling tha I'd never be able to go anywhere in life with just that. But I'm still holding on, doing small steps to fulfill them because in my heart, I know, I'd never be able to let it go no matter how much I try to cast it away from my life. I know I'm hurting (and disappointing) a lot of people around me for doing this. But forgive thi silly old me. I just couldn't find it in me to let my dream go. Too much time might have already passed. But in my heart, it's still burning inside. All the efforts I placed to see it all fulfilled will bear fruit one day. I just have to bravely believe that. 😄

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

"If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; tell yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its trickles." - Rainer Maria Rilke

So I guess this quote would fall to some sort of human mindset about his current reality, huh? This would be the first for me to have a quote/saying as a prompt. And yes, I'm a little unsure if I'd be able to answer it right. But I'm going to answer it as to what I truly feel about this prompt.

I do feel at times that my life seemed poor in so many ways that I want to do something to actually escape it. But at some point, I don't think I'm not doing a good job at it. I'm not mindful enough to realize what I truly have to do to achieve the riches that I want. Or maybe not what I want, but what I truly need. I have to do something about my mindset ― my poor, limiting mindset ― to be changed when the worst actually hits me.

🔅🔅🔅

Not so much as a sensible answer, huh? Sorry. But I guess this only means one thing. I'm not good at interpreting quotes/sayings like this. Or perhaps my mind isn't "poetic enough" yet to actually interpret this the way I want to. I guess I need to do something for that to happen.

Then again, I think it'll take a long time for me to actually become "poet enough" to interpret the complexities of the world and to literally call forth riches for myself.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

What does unconditional love look like to you?

Why is it that the prompt I keep on getting are becoming more and more complicated for me to answer? And to think I could only get the answer in the realm of my imagination ー a part of me in which I wasn't sure if it would even exist in reality at some point in my life. Though I could ask my heart on that, I have a feeling that the answer I can come up with wouldn't suffice somehow. I don't know why I had this kind of feeling.

Unconditional love...

Is there even such a thing? In a world where we live right now, should I still believe that it exist? Sorry, I didn't mean to be dramatic here, considering the fact that I haven't written on my journal yesterday. But I'm going to answer this as truthful as I can. As sincere as I can. Maybe that way, I could discover a path for me to actually experience this in the near future.

For me, this type of love looks like a rock. This type of love can become a strong foundation to build a beautiful and harmonious relationship. A rock-like love that no storm nor fire could ever break. A rock-like love that holds firmly and true to the promise and resolve to only feel it towards that special person they've chosen to love through it all. This is a love that will not be forgotten regardless of the passage of time. An unconditional love is the one that can accept everything (past mistakes and troubles, haunting faults) and still remain by that person's side with no questions, no judgment, no holds barred. A rock-like love that will forever remain true to the most beautiful person in his/her eyes and prove each other's love every chance they get.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

Describe one of your hobbies.

You're kidding, right? Then again, the question/prompt is already placed here, so I might as well answer it properly. By far, the only hobby I'm aware of is writing. Like nonstop. Listing things, journaling, fiction writing ー you name it. It felt to me that out of all that I've done since elementary to discover what I truly want to do in life, writing might have been the last thing to enter my mind. Then again, my imagination is something, as well. It led me to discover that, though I can't believe that I had to go through a rejection from a love confession a long time ago for me to fully realize that and truly delve into it. It's crazy.

Writing as a hobby has always been my companion since then. And honestly, it's only through writing that I've been able to avoid doing something stupid and irreversible at the same time. Being the eldest hasn't been easy. Being the eldest who couldn't provide a thing for her family is self-degrading. Being the eldest who couldn't help deeming herself as useless and worthless is enough to challenge the way I handle my mental health. It's in writing that I've been able to find solace through the combined power of my imagination and the words I'm writing. It's in writing that I find hope in which things will be fine soon.

I owe a lot to this articular hobby I have.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

The words I'd like to live by are...

"As long as you know it's yours to have,
Never let go of the dream you ever love..."

Yes, I know, I made it slightly poetic as I wrote this. Though I must say, I was unsure if I did it right. But, yeah. These are the content of the words I live by, at least if it's about my dreams and the things that I want to fulfill for myself. I can feel it in my bones that this dream I've been aiming and working on all this time that this is mine to have. I've been dealing with setbacks after setbacks on this one. And yet, here I am, I'm still here. I'm still holding on, because I know that this is for me. I just have to put more effort to actually prove to the Universe that this dream I couldn't let go is something that I want to possess. Or at least hold in my hands. This is for me. I know it is.

Right now, I'm holding on and I'm believing in it.

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

I’d go all out, no holds barred. No fear to deal with, no negative limits to put me on the spot. It is crazy, though. I should have this kind of mindset. Like, as if nothing can stop me. It’ll be a wonderful and exhilarating feeling

I’d do my best in everything. I’d do it with results better than the last. I’d do things without thinking that it’s not good. Nothing will hold me back at all. I won’t stop even with an obstacle or two lying in front of me. If I knew I would not and could not fail, I won’t have to deal with regrets and dwell in it for a long time. If I did know, I’d smile at the heavens and thank it, over and over, for the guidance.

But at the end, maybe one day, I’d also thank the heavens for the failures I have. Maybe one day, I’d thank it in such a way that I could actually smile as I recall those failures. Then again, we’ll see if it would actually happen.

Do you believe in eternal love? Why?

One of the most crucial questions that, for me, is a little hard to answer. Well, first and foremost, I do believe in it. And I mean strongly. For someone who had fallen in love, only for it not to be reciprocated in the end, people might find it silly and absurd. But for me, eternal love is something that is much stronger than anything I would ever feel in my life. At least, that's how I'm feeling it.

For me, believing in eternal love is something like believing that the love we once felt in this world can transcend through space and time. This eternal love is something that was born from a promise ー a strong one ー that two people who truly loved each other will find each other once again. Death may have separated them physically. But eternal love can do much more for those two hearts who believed that they were meant to be together.

Eternal love ー and believing in it ー makes me realize that once you find that one person you know is truly meant for you, nothing can separate you and that person.

🌸Florence Joyce🌸

What is your MBTI personality type?

I still don't understand these personality types, to be honest. Then again, I answered the questions in that test as honestly as I can and I kept coming up with the same result. So let's see what we got, then...

According to the test results, my personality type is INFP-T, also known as The Mediator. So let me list down the percentages seen on my results, okay?

• I am 92% introverted and 8% extroverted.
• I am 63% intuitive and 37% observant.
• In terms of making decisions ad coping with emotions, 65% said that I rely more on feeling while the 35% is for thinking.
• In tactics, I got 74% on prospecting and 26% on judging.
• ...and in identity, I'm 92% turbulent and 8% assertive, in terms of decision making and abilities.

Even with these numbers, to be honest, I still don't understand a lot of it. And it's making me crazy at some point.