when nature is the only thing that calms you down in a nerve-wrecking world filled with both fun and anxiety

People can still do that, right? But even so, nature has this incredible talent of making you realize a lot of things even when you can't talk to them. They can't talk to you, and yet they love to confuse you in more ways than one. I'm 32, and feeling most of the time that life might have already given up on me. And because of that, all I could do was to overthink of where my life could be heading at this rate.

But because of that, I ended up loving to watch the nature, you know. The sky... The sun... Feel the wind... Watch the trees... Even in the city where I live in which nature is something that would sometimes disappear before you know it just to make way for development. They help me realize a lot of things that bothered me. They help me downside my overthinking since I do that a lot. When people can be so annoying and irritating (that happens a lot, as well), nature -- even in the city where I live -- had helped me a lot in more ways than one. In more than one occasion.

I still love to have someone that I can talk to, that I can relate to, that I can do my best with to become the person I aim to be. But for now, nature is the one doing that to me. It doesn't help all the time. At least, I have to admit that. And yet, it's nice to know that I have something I can rely to, even for a while, just so I can make sure that my mind wouldn't feel overwhelmed by all the craziness of my own world...

beyond my closed eyes

"I can't seem to get you off my mind, even when you're so far away from me. Even when you don't know I exist at the moment, I'm here. My mind refused to ever erase you there. I just have to do more of that, hoping that in time, my absurd dream that includes you in it will finally materialize in my reality..."

when i realized that i've never become who i wanted to be... at least, not yet

At the age of 32, to some, this is a huge drawback on someone's self-esteem. Believe it or not, it made me even more insecure about myself than I've ever been. I've long held insecurity towards my sisters who had achieved at least some of the things that I never did. I achieved something what I wanted at the cost of... probably the life that I should be living if I had strived more. Worked harder. Hustle so much. Just like those people I've known before. But I also gave up midway because the pressure overwhelmed me. I cried that this is the path I took and nothing came out of it.

It was frustrating to the point of wanting to pull my hair hard. It was frustrating to the point that I've cursed (almost) my life because of my incompetence. It was frustrating for me to live my life in a routine that I badly wanted to escape from, but couldn't. All I could think of were reasons and more reason why I couldn't. Why I shouldn't do this or that.

But I still want to believe -- to claim -- that it wasn't over for me just yet. That my life is just about to start. I don't know how it will start. Maybe it already started before I realized it. Who knows. All I know is that I wanted to start believing in something that would benefit my mind in some way. It could be small. But all that matters is for me to believe that something is starting to move behind the scenes.

thanking the heavens

"You've become the most amazing gift that life has ever given to me. Even when I thought I don't deserve to have someone like you exists in my life, the heavens seem to think otherwise. And so, in each day that comes in our way starting from the time we met, I would never forget to express my gratitude to you and to the one who brought you to me..."