journal entry #87

...and so the issue of me being unemployed was brought up once again. I don't know what brought that up, but something had definitely acted as a trigger for that to happen. I know it's a really worrying issue on their part since I would be at the losing end if I don't do something about it.

But the most worrying part of it was my... nonchalant reaction to it. It's like... I don't have any plans at all. So now what? I'll just die like this if I don't do something to support myself? I can't rely on my father at all when it comes to that. He'll just lecture me nonstop and I don't want to add anymore resentment towards him than what is already existing in my heart. It's hard to bear that already and it's too much for me.

I'm a very sensitive person, to be honest. But with regard to my unemployment issue... I have no idea why I ended up numb about it. Of course, I want to find a job, a stable reason for me to earn money and if time comes, live on my own. But that's the bad part of it. I just want it. I wasn't doing anything to reach it or make it happen to myself.

I wasn't like this before. I would usually do what I can to achieve something, especially when I want it. But now... nothing else makes any sense at all. And I hate myself for thinking like that. I hate my useless self. I hate the fact that my life was slowly crumbling into nothing in spite of what I've done when I was a student and when I had jobs before. Even if I kept telling to myself that I don't want to become a burden to my family, I couldn't find the guts and the will to make that happen.

I'm starting to lose it. I'm starting to lose what's left of the reasons I have to be alive and actually live my life somehow. I'm not sure if it's still worth it to remain alive if I will remain a burden to my family and a failure to myself.

I don't know what to do anymore, to be honest. But I hope something or someone will help me get through these thoughts slowly crumbling everything in me. I want to get through this. I just need to find a way how. If I'd be able to find one, that is.

In any case, I think it's time for me to end this entry here before it gets even more dramatic than it already is. I still have to continue writing Francis' story in hopes that I'd be able to finish it before the end of the month and submit it. At least writing stories still helps me in keeping my mind sane from all those thoughts telling me what kind of a useless person I've been all my life.

Anyway, good night. 😊❤️

おやすみなさい。。。