journal entry #88

TGIF! Not really. I could thank any day of the week as long as they don't give me anything to actually curse it. Anyway, I can't believe that this is my 88th entry in my journal. I did miss out an amount of days, but that doesn't mean I don't have anything to talk about here.

For some reason, I had a feeling that after tomorrow, our lives will be a little hard to deal with. And perhaps the issue of my unemployment would be brought up again. I could never avoid it, because I know it's true. But that issue had already done its best to destroy my self-esteem, my self-confidence, and everything. I'm not as skilled as my sisters. I'm not madiskarte like them. I'm not witty like them. I just... couldn't redeem myself again after those two failures I had ln my previous jobs. Motivation... I guess I also used it — a long time ago. I don't know and for what reason, but I knew I already lost it. And now... I couldn't find any means of getting it back.

And now that I'm recalling my failures, I think it started to fall apart for me when I failed my NC-II when I was in college. I think that failure was the start of it. That failure really hit me hard, even though I didn't cry when it happened. After that, I guess I started thinking that in spite of my efforts to do everything I can, to do my best, I would eventually fail and it would crush me again.

I've failed everyone with me just being here inside the house and not actually doing anything to find a job. But it seems like nothing is penetrating in my mind for me to actually do something about it so that it would stop. I'm just numb from all of their words that, even though I hear, would never get through for me to actually process. I don't know what to do with that anymore.

Maybe I should stop right here now. This entry is starting to let me think of things that shouldn't even appear in my mind. I will get through this, right? Tell me that I will.

Good night. 😊❤️ おやすみなさい。。。