Where To Start

Hi, guys! I'm Florence and welcome back to my page.

(Still in the feeling of imagining what it's actually like to greet people in front of the camera, even when I'm camera-shy IRL.)

This is a strange introduction for a blog post, I know. And I also know that I haven't posted in two scheduled dates, only because I have no idea what to post at the time. Things had been stressful for me during those days and I don't want to put pressure on myself when writing something for this page. So I decided not to post anything in those two days.

Honestly, I have no idea what to post here even as I'm writing this. Okay, maybe that was a bit of a lie. I have lots of things and ideas to talk about here. Things that I've been wanting to discuss with someone. Things that bothered me a lot that I wanted to bring out and maybe it would lead to something.

Am I just imagining things here? Am I just overthinking and hopelessly wishing that someone would understand them? That there would be strangers who would understand them? Can I be a 'relatable' person that people would listen to, read about, or watch to at some point?

You know those vlogs normally seen on Youtube and maybe even on Facebook, right? Vlogs in which content creators would post topics and issues about their lives confidently --- at least most of them looked confident. There had been points in my life when I wished and imagined that I would end up creating something similar. That I'd be as confident and amazing as them. Documenting life that gave them inspiration and determination.

But even if I aspire to be like them, or create something as amazing and aesthetically pleasing as the ones they would make, this one sentence would always (and I mean ALWAYS) stop me.

『I don't know where to start.』

We all have a lot to talk about life to other people. But most of us, in my opinion, would usually think that they're not worth mentioning to anyone. We have this constant need to think of topics worth mentioning to them so that they'll listen. We pressure ourselves into saying that we have to be interesting in some way that would catch their attention and make them listen to the stories that we want to tell them.

Was there even such a thing? Was there even such a time that we could easily waltz in a conversation and it flows steadily from there? Not for an introvert, I presume. Not for an unknown bud of a flower trying her best to bloom in a way that someone would finally notice her and say 'this is me' and 'look at me; I'm pretty as the other flowers around you'.

I tried making them look at me and say 'this is the blooming me' by doing things that I thought before would catch their attention and make me their friends,  as part of their clique or circle. Yes, you can call me desperate, sure. But that was me back then. Though content about many things, a part of me wanted to experience what it was like to have friends that, at the time, I felt would stay as such for a long time.

But for the younger me, it was a disappointment.

They were the friends that would never decide to stay in the life of a plain, boring, almost nerdy girl. They were the friends that would make you feel alone because you couldn't fit in even as they talk to you. They were the people that gave me the insight about the concept of what it's really like to have 'real friends'.

Honestly, I don't know if I actually ever found a real friend. Or could it be because I never truly looked for one? And now, the chance to have them in my life had passed me by and missed it? Have I remained a flower bud that didn't bloom properly all this time?

There was no proper 'sunshine' that would say to me otherwise. No one said anything to me. They just passed me by. Ignored. Forgotten. Or just unseen because I have no defining features that would make me stand out. Then again, I never chose to stand out. I want people to be able to see something different in me even when I don't appear different from the rest.

That in a crowd of thousands (the song was playing in my head as I write this, by the way), there is someone who would be able to find me different and likeable. Maybe even desirable and lovable. Hey, a woman can hope, you know? A woman who wants to find lasting friendships and a love that is not only true, but will also stand the test of time.

I'm 31, turning 32 this August. And I have to say, this could be my greatest wish for my life.

So yup, that's the majority of what I can tell about my life. It starts with me being boring and uninteresting and ends with me wishing that I find the ones that I'm looking for, now that I've passed the age of 30. You know, I could actually talk about that and say to people how I still enjoy being boring and quiet and uninteresting to other people. I have regrets and what if's in life, without a doubt. I had unfulfilled wishes and still remain having many more wishes as part of my own bucket list.

Even through all that, I know I just have to fix a few things in my life. The journey for me isn't over yet. Or it could be starting for me, as well. Who knows, right? Even so, there is a start of a great content about my life somewhere. Interesting or boring, I know I'd be able to document them in video form one of these days.

I hope you guys found this read enjoyable. I'll see you guys in my next entry. Bye!