Saturday Night Thoughts # 2

It’s night time. I’m here on my bed, listening over and over to my favorite Japanese songs. What’s worst? My head hurts—a lot. Actually, my head hurts since this morning. I don’t know if it was the effect of waking up way early or something else. One thing I know, one reason is because of thinking too much.

I do that all the time, no doubt about that. When you had so many dreams and ideas you wanted to implement, I’m sure you can relate. Or maybe I’m just assuming you could. Well, people don’t only think of dreams, of fantasies, or desires alone. Most of us, and that includes me, also thinks of frustrations, problems, of pains that come. For me, I can say I’m overthinking a lot of things. Watching AlDub or KalyeSerye isn’t enough to dissipate it, unfortunately.

I got scolded again. Just as I thought, I got reprimanded about not looking for a job or at least exerting an effort to do so. All I could do was to stay quiet. I don’t know what to say. It’s either I don’t really want to find a job or I’ve been looking for something else—one that I will consider as “the right job” for me. Sad to say, and I need to face it, writing is my passion but not enough as a job that could fully help my family.

You know what? I’ve been having this weird feeling right now. I’ve been thinking a few times that, even though my mother and my sisters were proud of what I chose to pursue, I don’t think they’d support me for it 100%.

See? I told you, it’s a weird feeling. But what can I say? I’ve always been the insecure, introvert girl. I don’t have that much confidence to do the things I badly want to do. As much as possible, I want to be alone or do things alone unless the situation calls for it. I’ve been afraid to stand or even talk in front of many people. Worst of all, I’ve always been so pessimistic. Maybe that’s why it’s hard for me to prove to the world that I can do it. Perhaps it’s one reason why I remain in one corner, muttering in the dark and do things in silence, in whispers as I make weird faces while acting, recite lines I could think of, and sing along with my favorite songs with my earphones placed in my ears.

I’m not sure if I’d be able to stand up and gain the courage that I needed soon. Honestly speaking, though slowly, I’m losing faith in myself, in things that will happen and might happen in my life which could possibly help me with our predicament at the moment. Hopefully, it won’t let me lose my faith in Him because of this. I’m not a religious person and I admit that. But that doesn’t mean I don’t talk to Him. Silently, I confides my troubles, my worries, my sadness, and my wishes to Him.

Truthfully, it helps. I hope it will help you, too, once you do the same thing.