What's Happening To Me Now...

Honestly… I have no idea. I can’t say it all came so fast. It didn’t even come slow in a way that you’d actually anticipate its coming. I don’t know how it all came. One thing I know… it’s frustrating. It’s irritating, but not close to infuriating.

English ang entrada, ha? Sorry po. Pilit ko na lang munang pinapagana nang maayos ang utak ko bago ako masiraan ng bait. Hopefully naman, huwag muna. Marami pa po akong gustong gawin bago ako mabaliw nang tuluyan.

Just hold on. I’ll get through this. It’s what I want to say to myself—all the time. Kahit mahirap, kailangan kong gawin. Anyway, I can feel as if my mind is still in the zone. And what I mean by ‘the zone’, it’s still stuck in its own little world. Like, seriously speaking. I can’t even find a way to get out of it—especially now.

I’ve been doing a lot of daydreams lately. Of what I really want to do in my life. Of a lot of “what if’s”. But even with that, my daydreams seems to unable to jive with REALITY. It’s getting hard. Especially with what’s happening in my family now. Troubles and challenges brew around the corner. I’m having  a hard time thinking on how to actually escape it. Yes, escape—instead of dealing with it. I don’t really know how to deal with problems these past years. Or at least that’s what I’ve noticed.

For now, I don’t want to think of negativities, of troubles, of bad vibes. There’s still good news. There’s still good vibes. I just had to let them in so I can feel it, at the very least.

Okay, since I mentioned about me daydreaming (which happens for at least… half of the day? Haha!), I’ve been thinking of actually recording a video—of myself talking about… something? Hindi ko pa alam kung ano ang gagawin ko kapag naisipan ko nga talagang gumawa ng video. Ewan ko ba. Ang hirap na hanggang sa isip mo lang nagagawa `yong mga bagay na gustung-gusto mong gawin. Recording a video of myself? I think it’s a part of me that once wished to be an actress. Like what I said before in my post about my thoughts right after my birthday, being a singer and an actress was a childhood dream of mine. But having that dream fulfilled at my age now? I can’t tell. But if I don’t do something—even just a small step, I guess it won’t happen at all.

In connection to this thinking about recording a video of myself, I’ve had plans about it. I call most of the collective segments I’ve been thinking of posting as “About” segment. Topics that I’m thinking of discussing with this segment are:

• That Song – This is actually a subsegment that discusses my favorite songs on my playlist. And maybe I could talk about other songs that comes in my mind. At siguro, baka maisipan ko ring kumanta. Sana lang, hindi umulan kapag ginawa ko iyon.
• That Show’s Episode – Now this subsegment will talk about some of the shows/series I’ve watched (TV shows, drama, and web series). Though, I’ll only talk about just a few of it since I don’t usually watch TV shows lately for various reasons. Kaya kadalasan, sa internet na lang ako nanonood.
• AlDub/KalyeSerye – Of course, the most popular love team today. Puwede ba namang mawala ito sa mga subsegment na gusto kong i-discuss? As for this subsegment, I think I would be discussing more about my thoughts on certain episodes. So don’t be surprised if I decided to post some reaction videos. And then there are videos about the characters and my thoughts about them.
• My Writings – Since it’s been a long time dream for me to be a writer (whether published or not), I also like to share my insights about the stories I’ve written and currently writing. Some of the discussions will focus on the trivia of the stories—on how it was created and various inspirations for me to write those stories. Marami-rami rin iyon. As in!
• What I’m Thinking – In this sub-segment, I’ll be talking about… my thoughts. It’s like a video blog/video journal. Puwede ko rin itong i-consider na open video letter dahil na rin sa subjects na posible kong sabihin dito. Some of the topics here are Dear Future Husband, Dear Future Boyfriend, For That Someone, at may iba pa. Kung anu-ano ang mga iyan, saka ko na lang po sasabihin. Okay?

Another of my daydreaming would be me as an accomplished writer. Romance writer, to be exact. Well, this is a long time dream that I’ve trying my best to fulfill one step at a time. For about 6 (or 7) years, I’ve tried passing manuscripts after manuscripts to various publishing companies. But each time, I got an R (returned/rejected). Of course, depressing sa akin iyon, `no? Dumating din ako sa point na feeling ko, hindi talaga ito para sa akin. Na hindi ito ang calling ko. But my mind (and my hand since it’s the one doing the writing) didn’t let me stop. And so I wrote… and I wrote… and I continue writing. And now, even though it’s slow, it’s coming one by one. I’m happy, of course! Sobrang happy. Pero hindi ko pa rin alam kung bakit parang poke-faced pa rin ako sa lahat ng ito. Hahahaha!

Okay…

I guess a lot has been happening—at least in my mind. It’s better that I let those thoughts concealed in my mind for now. As for that video recording thing, kailangan ko na talagang magawa ito. If I really want to break out from my comfort zone and stop my insecurities (I don’t know if it will help, though), I can do this.

I’ll be able to.

Because I want to.