Talk about things not going my way. Urgh! Then again, if it's a menstrual cycle, I can't really do anything about it. Besides, it was about the week that I expected to have my period, anyway. Of course, it's still a bummer since we have an out-of-town swimming trip this Saturday. Of course, there's still a bit of a silver lining to this. The 25th would be my third day. Normally, my period would end around that time and would just let out spottings around the 4th and the 5th day. I guess that's still okay. 😊

I went out today to buy the ingredients for the bopis and beef pares that Mama would be cooking tomorrow for the trip. Well, I only had to buy the remaining ingredients as the others were already available. It was still hot and it was annoying. Then again, it's one of the things that you can't do anything about since it's Mother Nature raging at us.

I didn't get to write anything for the stories. But I did continue transferring stories and writing-related entries to my writer's journal. I've already finished copying the entries from the 12th journal and now I'm on my 13th (the recently finished) journal. There was this long entry about another story idea and possibly the only story I ever thought about centered on revenge. Well, except TLSOTE, I guess. It also has revenge theme on it. But TLSOTE is actually on a different scale, if I have to be honest. 😊

Oh, yeah. I added margins to that journal even though I was initially against it. But margins were the only solution I have to use up my gel pens. So yes, I might have to put margins on my other journals — the unused ones, as well. 😊❤️

Second day here. And once again, I'm not in the mood to write anything. Like what the heck? In any case, I know I still have to write. It's better that way instead of further overthinking.

I went out today, both to pick-up the item that Mama ordered online and also to go to the market. But the crazy thing was, the rain caught up. It's a good thing I brought an umbrella with me. And so I was able to go on doing my tasks while outside. It's not much, but at least I did it.

Sadly, I didn't do any comprehensible input lessons in Dreaming Spanish today. So yes, I might have to cheat on the time that I'd be placing there on the site again. I'm really sorry. 😭

Though I was a little lazy, I did manage to transfer story-related entries from my 12th journal to my second writer's journal. I just want to continue placing those contents in one place so that I can easily find those entry and writing ideas one of these days, especially when I'm in a slump.

It's really short. But honestly, that's all I have for now. 😊❤️

Here we are with a new journal! And yes, I chose to use a pen this time. Fickleminded? Yes, I admit that. But, my gosh! 14th? I've been writing entries on 14 journals already? I still can't believe it. That's seriously crazy, you know that? Okay, I just realized that I wrote that exact sentence yesterday on my last entry. What the heck? What is going on with my mind right now? Urgh! In any case, here we are. A brand new journal to write on and fill with written memories and whatnots. LOL! At least, I know I have to, since I really don't want my negative thoughts to completely bother me all my life. As long as I have a notebook to write those thoughts down, I think I'll be fine. 😊

But honestly, even though this is a new journal to write at, I'm actually not in the mood to write anything. Reason why? I was bored the whole day. For real! I didn't write. I almost didn't study Spanish today. I only did 10 minutes of comprehensible input in Dreaming Spanish. But at least I reached my goal. That's better than nothing, to be honest. I just hope I could do the same thing for my other target languages. But at the moment, I'm just taking it at a small space. Maybe I'm just putting too much pressure on my mind for aiming something big. I didn't go out, as well. Of course, it can also be a good thing or a bad thing. Today, I felt like it was a bad thing. Then again, I might have found ways of distracting myself away from the negative aspect of it. 😊

Gosh! I really don't know what else to write. Was I really that bored the whole day? In any case, I guess I'll just figure something out. 😕

What I did today... while learning Spanish

So, honestly... Why am I making my blog as a social media account or something? I mean, I know I could do this in Facebook. But... if I'm going to be honest, I really have this urge to delete that account already. It's a rather rash decision on my part. Or for now, that's what I think. But hey, I can still change my mind if it comes to that. Right?

Okay, back to the topic.

i don't have any reasons to hate weddings, right?

Okay. Let me clarify this for a little bit.

For a long while now, I've never really liked the idea of weddings -- at least for myself. I'm 32 years old, turning 33 this August. And to be honest, to our society (or at least what the society thinks), I've already passed the average age to get married. To their standards, maybe I did. But to my own, I don't have it in me or even the most plausible reason to get married.

Why?

My life isn't still how I wanted it to be. Maybe my introverted and shy personality could also be the factor for me being a certified NBSB, as well. Add the fact that my surroundings (or at least, the events around me that had happened over the years) changed my perception about love and relationship (even weddings) drastically. And can I also attribute it to the fact that it was my choice not to be involve in any commitment or relationship? Yes, maybe I'm the one to blame. And yes, I don't mind taking that blame for that choice.

I only realized this after my second sister got married last April 20. I can't really pinpoint the feeling at first during my first sister's wedding last November 25, 2022. All I could recall was the apathetic attitude I have about it and also the fact that I don't want to attend that wedding. I wouldn't be able to, but they still managed to convince me to do so. Weird, right? Why wouldn't I attend my sister's wedding at the time?

It was only in this recent wedding that made me fully acknowledge the answer. My perception about love, relationship, and especially weddings was destroyed because of a certain event back in 2015. I can't recall the exact date, but I know that it happened a year after I graduated college. Then adding to that was the series of rejections I got before that, back in high school. I want to remain positive even at the time, to be honest. But how can I stay positive if my surroundings have given me reasons not to like things like this anymore or even believe in any of these things that's supposed to make someone happy?

But like I said, I don't have any reason to continue hating love and weddings. At least, I'm sure of it now...

i still feel worthless... even as a 32-year-old...

I know I shouldn't be talking negatively like this about myself. But you know I can't help it, especially when a certain occasion had made me feel like this. There was no one to blame but myself and my choices, of course. In a way, I know I have to admit that to myself.

This is (currently) who I am... and I'm in the middle of working on getting out of this mentality. Even when society's dictation proved that I'm such a person by their standards.

I made my choice back then. And I'm able to stand my ground on that choice since then. It's hard, without a doubt. But I still try what I can to live everyday without regretting the choice I made. I decided to become a hardheaded daughter and choose what I want to do. It's not enough to make me live the life I want. And I'm fully aware of that.

Yet, when I made that choice, I felt... like myself in a way. It's strange, but I know that this is what I want to do. What I want to walk on to, even when I could see that the road will already be a rough one. I maybe crazy for thinking this. And maybe this is why I feel worthless since nothing much had happened since I chose this path.

But I know it'll be okay soon. Not because I believe in it, but because I'm claiming it -- one way or another...